There is a man working behind the counter at the store. Or he may be a fellow classmate. Or a fellow party-goer. He may be a male between the ages of 15 and 70. And this is the conversation:
Man: You're not from here, are you?
Alyse: No.
M: Where are you from?
A: The United States
M: What part?
A: The North, two hours from Chicago
M: Ohhhhh.... I have family in California/New York/Miami
A: Ohhhh..... cool.
M: It gets really cold where your from, doesn't it?
A: Yes, it's horrible.
M: So, do you already have a boyfriend here?
A: Yes.
And that's that. I swear to god I have lost count about how many times I've had this conversation. And I promise you, they ALWAYS ask if I have a boyfriend. Also, some of you may think the attractive black man that I have pictures with on facebook is my boyfriend. That is not true. We're friends, and he's not Peruvian. He's African.
This next part of the post is dedicated to more thoughts and observations I have regarding sex. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable, but I think this aspect of social dynamics in Peru is one of the most fascinating but also most disturbing for me as a female, a sociology major and a westerner with a liberal arts education.
Before I left the US to come here to Peru, I had gone out with several different boys, all of whom were quite different from each other. Some were more liberal while others more conservative. Some more machista, others more egalitarian. Some with a college education, others without. However, in all of the cases, all the boys realized that I was an independent, self-sufficient, intelligent human being whose opinion deserved to be listened to or at least considered, if not respected. And this went for issues dealing with sex as well. That is, if I felt uncomfortable with something, they always listened. Nobody ever tried to trick me into thinking something else or forced me to do something I didn't want to- whether it was as small as something like drinking something at a party or making out or as big as something like spending the night together. I always had an equal say.
Here, however, I have found that this is a luxury I have taken for granted. It seems that in many cases, it is not assumed that I am an intelligent, self-sufficent human being whose opinion deserves to be considered or listened to. Sometimes, I will say that, no, I don't want to have another drink or go to a bar and instead of being taken seriously, a boy will try very hard to convince me otherwise. Sometimes I will say that no, I don't want to make out with you, and he will physically try to force me to make out with him. Sometimes I will say that, no I don't want to go to a hotel, I want to go home, and he will try to convince the taxi driver to go to a hotel while I am trying to give directions to my house.
Boys here have dominated the arts of persuasion and manipulation. Sometimes I find myself clearly stating what I do or don't want and then I find a boy trying to tell me that, "no, it's not like that, because blah blah blah." Or sometimes what happens is that they agree with me and tell me I'm right or what I think is just fine. But in the end it's just bullshit to gain my trust and then do something completely different or contradictory to what I said or asked for in the beginning.
You know, I know all this nonsense happens in the United States all the time too, but I have just experienced it so much more here in 8 months and have felt a greater lack of respect here than I have ever felt in my whole life in the US.
It is such a strange thing to experience, especially since sometimes these boys are your friends or they really do care about you. It's just there's another kind of darker side to the dynamic that always seems to show itself in my relationships here. And a lot of times it is really subtle but then you get to a certain point you think, "Why the hell did he not listen to me? And what the hell am I doing here right now?"
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