My life is over.

Hahaha. ok. I mean, the life I had for a little while in Peru. There's always a chance I can start it back up again. Well, not that it died out or anything, because it obviously still lives on in certain abstract and concrete terms, but if I decide to live in the present, then it seems a bit difficult to live in the past and in the southern hemisphere.

Before I left, I went to the rainforest once more. The rainforest and its people and its comforting chaos and disorganized dirty messes were all fabulous to me. The food and the accommodations and transportation were all super basic but they were all filled with heart and soul and sweat and love. Unfortunately, because of the global climate change, the temperature when I arrived was 10 degrees Celsius lower than normal. That is VERY substantially colder than usual. And since no one ever prepared for that kind of cold, there were no cold-weather comforts, which made for long cold nights. But aside from that, it was all good. And I made it back to Lima with mosquito bites and sunkissed cheeks and a few more stories.

I spent the last two days I had in Lima taking care of business, saying goodbyes, and being washed over my sudden waves of sadness. It was all very calm and surreal and necessary. The other day as I was crossing a crosswalk, I remember looking up and thinking, "Lima is ugly but it has flavor." And then I thought "The suburbs are pretty but they don't have flavor."

Yesterday morning I left the country crying and it was good to know that my heart and soul went into everything that I had felt and done and experienced in the last year. I dont know if I'll ever go back. I hope I go back. but nobody knows anything really.

I arrived in the United States in awe by what I saw outside of my tiny airplane window and in a state of semi-disbelief that I actually made it back to the country after a year of some pretty high highs and some really low lows. As I was waiting by the baggage claim area, I heard my dad call my name. I yelled "dad" back and when we saw each other, I ran up to him and we hugged a pretty big, excited, tear-filled hug.

Now I am here at home. And I am happy as clam. I am really happy. I dont know what I'll feel like tomorrow or the next day or in a month or six, but I think I will just have to go with the flow, follow what my heart is telling me, try to keep Spanish in my life and remember all of the incredible life lessons I've learned.

The thing is, the above-stated seems so simple- and in Lima it really was simple- but I can already tell it is gonna be a fight to do those things here.

Bueno. That's all for now.

I dont have anything brilliant or touching or inspirational to say, but I will say that I'm happy that's it's summer and the sun is hot, the grass is green, the air is fresh; and I'm ready for the great wide open.

"(Peruvian) life continues and it seems to be almost over" says happy gringa.

A few clarifications.

I did not like the bullfight. I thought it was ugly and really hard to watch. However, it was really interesting to be there.

When I fill out official documents, I do not mark that I am married. Which means I am not legally married. So, don't worry.

I have 23 short days left in the country, and I feel great about it. It has been a rather long year with complicated problems and lots of headaches and strange feelings and weird, uncomfortable encounters. and lots and lots of life lessons.

But it has also been a very very beautiful year, with new viewpoints, unexpected landscapes, and fresh air (not in Lima, obviously).

The other week I was discussing with my friend Annie that it has been so crazy being here for a variety of factors: 1. it is a whole different world here 2. city life is hard on the soul 3. we are young and have a lot to learn 4. the communication breakdown (on all different levels of human interaction- concrete and abstract) 5. Being rather alone and far away 6. being so obviously white

Learning how to deal with all of the above has been hard, but it has been absolutely, 100% worthwhile.

The nice thing is that I am starting to truly be able to look on the bright side of things- despite the ugly, gray cold weather, despite the loud traffic, despite the overwhelming poverty, despite the cold mistrust... You really can find peace and good vibes inside of this city. But really, you can find it inside of any city, any town, any remote in-the-middle-of-nowhere village. Because really, it's right there, inside of yourself.

Ideological Chameleons woo crowd at local bullfight.

As some of you know, my husband Sam came down from Ecuador where he was studying and interning to do a bit of traveling in the great nation of Peru. I’m not going to tell you all of it, but I would like to tell you a story or two about part of it.

At one point in the trip, Sam and I found ourselves stopped for a night in a little town called Celendin between the cities of Cajamarca and Chachapoyas since we couldn’t catch a bus until the next morning. Thankfully, a nice Peruvian guy informed us that it was the fiesta patronal (the celebration of the patron saint) of one of the neighboring villages… of course we wanted to go! Especially me, since I knew there would be plenty of alcohol, delicious food, music and nonsense for everyone involved to have a grand time. And, if I understood correctly, we would be just in time to see the bullfight (Is that even the right word) that usually happens at these things. Indeed, we were! I have never been very resolute in my desire to see one of these things, but here was my chance. We eventually were let in and got to stand right up close to all of the action. It was great: 5 to 7 toreros (bullfighters) waving pink and red sheets at this one goofy bull and eventually one torero who had the honor of first stabbing it multiple times with several spears and second of sticking it the head with a sword. This one torero almost got split in two by the bull’s horns but fortunately, the only thing that happened was he got the part of his outfit covering his ass torn so that everyone could see one of his very attractive butt cheeks, which was bleeding from the encounter. Of course the humans won (like usual) and Sam and I had the pleasure of seeing the bull die slowly and pathetically approximately 3 meters away from us. After it had died and the torero cut his one ear off to display in triumph to the cheering crowd, everyone held up two fingers demanding of the valiant fighter that he cut off the other. Yay! It was spectacular, spectacular, no words in the vernacular… Also, I asked this little girl of about 8 or 9 years next to me what she thought of the whole ordeal and she said, “bonito” which meant she thought it was a nice show to watch. In fact, she had already seen three others before. The she asked me where I was from and if everyone in the US speaks English.

BUT! Most importantly, I would like to tell you about the half time show that took place in between the two bullfights we saw. It was a presentation by none other than three traveling artisan hippies that we saw outside of the gates. For a little bit of context, this bullfight took place in a tiny rural town in the mountains of Peru for an audience of maybe 200 to 400 people. The hippies came dressed in their un-matching hippie clothes, painted faces and dreaded hair all ready to woo the crowd with their flag-spinning and fire throwing skills. While one boy and one girl spun their fire sticks and strings in death-defying feats, the other girl pranced around the stadium spinning her flags in gravity-defying fashion. Wow. I couldn’t believe that I had the privilege of seeing the same show I saw at one of the intersections in Cajamarca at this stadium in the Middle-Of-Nowhere, Peru. It was a valiant effort, but I think I appreciated the ridiculous bullfighters more than the shitty hippies that seem to have participated in every level of every socio-economic scale in all of South America. From the upper-middle class families they come from to the big cities they wander around homeless in, to the rural towns to the beach sides the temporarily inhabit, to the crosswalks they sell their jewelry on, to the favelas they hang out in on occasion. Livin the life. Oh yeah. Wanna be an international hippie traveler, oh yeah. Dooo dooo dooo, f-you, man that gets me down, oh yeah. I do what I want, oh yeah!

Home, where my thoughts escape me, home...

Hello gente.

Have you ever gone out with someone that always wore too much cologne/perfume that you didn't particularly like but it stuck to all of your clothes and when you got home you thought, "God, I can't get this smell off of me!" Well, that's how I feel right now.

Anyways,

The other day I went out to lunch with three peruvian boys and a german girl. We were all chit chatting away, eating our rice and beans and bread, and someone brought up the topic of one of their foreigner friends. I think this friend was Japanese? maybe from Europe? I don't remember. Anyways, this boy decided that he wanted to come to South America to find himself since he didn't feel like he belonged in his home country. So he went off to go find himself on another continent. Well, the boy failed. And returned to his homeland. But didn't find himself there either. Later, I believe he returned to South America, and again, he was still lost at sea, nowhere to be found, adrift and anchorless. well. Luckily, upon returning home, the boy finally realized that he belonged right where he was, right where he started out in the first place. Imagine that.

I think Jesus wrote a story somewhat along those lines... didn't he? What a guy!

Well, my friend, at the lunch table says, "I just can't relate to that at all. I don't really understand it."

And I said, "Oh, I definitely can."

But listen, it's not what you think.

The thing is, during my four years of high school, I felt like that boy: like I didn't belong, I was unhappy and I had to leave to go find myself somewhere else. Therefore my four years of high school were dedicated to getting good grades to get me the hell out of Oconomowoc. And that's just what I did... and I ended up in... Madison, WI. Well, needless to say, even though I was only an hour away from home in what is essentially a large suburb, I successfully found myself very very lost, existentially speaking. Thankfully, after a year-long, rather confusing journey through academia, I finally got my head back on my shoulders and my smile back on my face and was ready to be a happy person again. It was grand. I was living the life.

Well, when I left for Peru, I sure has hell didn't expect to find myself in another country, but I never expected to be so certain that my identity is so definitively, irrevocably American. In fact, sometimes I find that my Americanness keeps me from being able to connect with a lot of people here- particularly females.

I mean, I too have my (many) prejudices against us Americans. But, at the same time, there is something about how Americans work that I like and I understand and appreciate and I miss it.

BUT, at the same time, there are things about how Peruvians work that I like and I understand and appreciate, and I don't want to let them go.

En fin, I definitely don't feel at home here in this country. Not one bit. But I also don't expect that when I get back, I'm going to feel at home either. I think I might be more comfortable and a little happier, but I'm sure I'll probably be feeling very very strange surrounded by all of that American individualism and materialism. Fortunately, I think that maybe someday, I will be able to find a home, wherever it maybe be; and I think that I might be able to find a way to negotiate and manage these very strange feelings of inbetweenness . I mean, that's what we do in life, isn't it? A continuous reconciliation of seemingly incompatible contradictions and paradoxes...

Capoeira

I haven't been doing very much of anything lately, but I have been doing quite a bit of Capoeira. Usually I go three or four times a week. Usually I don't really say anything about except that it's cool and I like it, which are both true, but it doesn't do justice for how profound of an effect it can really have on a person's life.

When I started about two years ago, I didn't really know anything about it. I just thought, it looks like a good workout and it they play and sing pretty music. So I started training in Madison. And you know what, I didn't really actually like it that much because I felt so awkward. All the movements seemed so strange and difficult and I just felt lost when we played games. But I kept going for some reason. I really don't even know why.

But eventually, after training on and off for about a year I got to a point where I really started understanding it a little better, and everything started to flow a little easier and I was more comfortable with myself and the other people in the group and I found myself wanting to go.

And so what? Wellllll, I think it has to do with a lot of things.

Capoeira teaches you to be comfortable with and learn how to move your body. It teaches you equilibrium, strength, flexibility and patience. It teaches you to work with other people in an almost intimate way and be comfortable with them and with yourself. And you just feel good. Remember what it's like to walk around and genuinely feel good and calm and confident and happy? It's easy to forget but capoeira helps me remember.

But I think more than the physical aspect, it teaches you about life. about people. about interacting with them, knowing yourself, confronting situations and letting things flow. It has so much wisdom in it.

And it is spiritual and religious in a very beautiful, not dogmatic, unthreatening way. And you allow yourself to experience that spiritual part of life when you are playing and singing and watching. The music talks about God, love, heartbreak, loneliness, Brazil, slavery, the game itself... it talks about life.

And it is a family. Wherever you go. Your capoeira group supports you and helps you and you support and help them, wherever they are in the world. And besides that, you can always find capoeiristas all over the world that have a mutual understanding of the same art. And than in itself is a very beautiful thing, to connect on that level of appreciation.

When you watch it from the outside, as in, not being a member of a group, I think it is hard to understand and it seems almost simplistic or stupid or confusing. But I think, like anything, once you really dig deeper into something you begin to understand the richness and complexity and even beauty behind whatever it is.

Which is why I am going to be an anthropologist.

Also, one other thing. The other day, a girl asked me about what the "rules" are here. Well, there aren't really any official rules you have to follow here (i.e. cross at the crosswalk, give all candidates for employment equal opportunities regardless of race, sex, sexual orientation, etc.), but we were talking about what girls should and should not do here in Peru. And I told her, "don't be drunk and slutty and you should be fine." And she responded, "Well, that's what I do in the US. " And I thought, well, that's the thing, we're not in the United States. And consequently, the same rules don't apply; our rulebook reads differently than the Peruvian one, if you haven't noticed. Which led me to think, "Why the hell do United Statesians (Americans) think that the brilliant rules they think up for their own country are going to be applicable in completely different cultural contexts?" And I said to myself, "God, that's stupid. I have no idea."

Relaxa, meu filho.

Hey. I know I've been hating pretty hard on Peru lately. But listen.

I want to tell you all about my absolute, all-time favorite part of Korea ever. I know maybe you've already heard me talk about it. But I want to write about it because it will make more sense.

Actually, I am going to recommend you read what I posted below because it explains it really well. This is from the website: http://wiki.galbijim.com/Jjimjilbang

찜질방 (Jjimjilbang)

Jjimjilbangs are one of the truly great aspects of a unique Korean culture. These are large, gender-segregated public bathhouses complete with hot tubs, showers, Swedish-style saunas and massage tables, similar to what you might find in a Korean sauna or mogyoktang.

However, in other areas of the building or on other floors, after donning your robe, you will enter the unisex areas and will usually find a snack bar, ondol-heated floor for lounging and sleeping on, wide-screen TVs, a PC bang (internet cafe type of thing), a noraebang (karaoke room), and sleeping quarters with either bunk beds or sleeping mats.

[edit]Orientation

• When walking into your run-of-the-mill jjimjilbang, you will encounter the front desk, who, upon payment, will give you a receipt, key, towels, and outfit.

• At this point you will want to walk through the doors or elevator titled 남탕(men's sauna) or 여탕(women's sauna). Depending on the place, either before the entrance or just after it, you'll find shoe lockers. That's what your key is for. Store your shoes and go inside. Some modernized places have keys that only work once, so once you re-open it, you might not be able to lock it again without a trip back to front desk for a new key.

• Once inside, you'll usually have somebody there or at a desk who will take your receipt and give you a locker key. This is where you store all of your clothes and belongings. If you didn't bring a razor, shampoo, or toothbrush with you, this person will have a small, cheap selection for you to choose from. You can also buy a green scrub pad that Koreans like to use to scrape excess dirt and grime off of themselves. Toothpaste and soap are free and can be found in the bathhouse.

• If it wasn't already happening since entering Korea, from this point on, expect to be noticed and watched. Korean bathhouse populations usually raise a collective eyebrow over a foreigner being in their midst and use the opportunity to check out physical features not seen in public.

• Once you are all naked, put your key band around your ankle and venture towards the glass door heading to the bathhouse area. Towels are usually kept on the outside of this door.

• Inside, there will be jacuzzis and hot tubs of various temperatures. Some will have minerals such as jade added for health benefits.

• You will also see rows of stand-up or sit-down showers. Cardinal cultural rule: Shower before getting into the jacuzzis.

• Also interspersed in the bathhouse area, you'll find the hot Swedish-style saunas, heat lamps for lounging under, and sometimes tiny swimming pools and cascading mini-waterfalls that are designed to act as a massage for your back. Somewhere in the mix, you'll also see massage tables manned by a masseuse, with rates ranging from 20-50,000 Won. Sorry, but it'll be someone of your gender.

• Once you are finished with your soak, head out of the bathhouse and you'll find an area with hairdryers, cotton swabs, gel, hairspray, etc...

• From that point on, after putting on a robe or T-shirt and shorts, you are ready to walk out into the rest of the jjimjilbang and explore the unisex area and facilities mentioned earlier

The moral of the story is that these places are made for straight-up, hardcore, I-mean-business RELAXING. I l-o-v-e love those places. They are so healthy and cool and koreans are so respectful even when you are the only naked foreigner in the whole place. It's so crazy! Because everyone is completely naked in the baths. And it's like, whatever. Nobody thinks twice about it. It's as if you were hanging out at a park, conversing, shooting the shit, wasting time, but in this case everybody's sitting around naked in large bath tubs filled with flower-scented cleansing water.

After having been to several of these places, I really started to take relaxing a little more seriously. You may think I'm joking, but I'm not. I never valued relaxing enough before. I always wanted to be doing something productive. even when I was resting I wanted to be doing it productively. BUT, you know what they say, "she needs wide open spaces, yeah yeah, room to make her big mistakes...." Thank you very much, dixie chicks. You unpatriotic, anti-American scumbags. hahaha.

Anyways. Back to Peru.

The thing is, here, I've also been learning how to relax. But in a way that has to do with how to live your life. I think I've said this before, but I can just hang out here. And not be productive. and it's cool. And I like it.

Did I mention I got a tattoo in January? I did. I'm sure you'll all be very pleased with my decision. haha.

Even though some parts of existing here are kind of taking their toll on other parts of my mind, there are some parts of my soul that I am recovering here that I've lost and there are some parts of my soul that are being created that I didnt even know could exist.

Getting to know me and more thoughts about sex

I'm going to start off by telling you about a conversation I have on average of 4 to 7 times per week. It more or less goes like this, with questions almost always asked in the order as written below.

There is a man working behind the counter at the store. Or he may be a fellow classmate. Or a fellow party-goer. He may be a male between the ages of 15 and 70. And this is the conversation:

Man: You're not from here, are you?

Alyse: No.

M: Where are you from?

A: The United States

M: What part?

A: The North, two hours from Chicago

M: Ohhhhh.... I have family in California/New York/Miami

A: Ohhhh..... cool.

M: It gets really cold where your from, doesn't it?

A: Yes, it's horrible.

M: So, do you already have a boyfriend here?

A: Yes.

And that's that. I swear to god I have lost count about how many times I've had this conversation. And I promise you, they ALWAYS ask if I have a boyfriend. Also, some of you may think the attractive black man that I have pictures with on facebook is my boyfriend. That is not true. We're friends, and he's not Peruvian. He's African.

This next part of the post is dedicated to more thoughts and observations I have regarding sex. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable, but I think this aspect of social dynamics in Peru is one of the most fascinating but also most disturbing for me as a female, a sociology major and a westerner with a liberal arts education.

Before I left the US to come here to Peru, I had gone out with several different boys, all of whom were quite different from each other. Some were more liberal while others more conservative. Some more machista, others more egalitarian. Some with a college education, others without. However, in all of the cases, all the boys realized that I was an independent, self-sufficient, intelligent human being whose opinion deserved to be listened to or at least considered, if not respected. And this went for issues dealing with sex as well. That is, if I felt uncomfortable with something, they always listened. Nobody ever tried to trick me into thinking something else or forced me to do something I didn't want to- whether it was as small as something like drinking something at a party or making out or as big as something like spending the night together. I always had an equal say.

Here, however, I have found that this is a luxury I have taken for granted. It seems that in many cases, it is not assumed that I am an intelligent, self-sufficent human being whose opinion deserves to be considered or listened to. Sometimes, I will say that, no, I don't want to have another drink or go to a bar and instead of being taken seriously, a boy will try very hard to convince me otherwise. Sometimes I will say that no, I don't want to make out with you, and he will physically try to force me to make out with him. Sometimes I will say that, no I don't want to go to a hotel, I want to go home, and he will try to convince the taxi driver to go to a hotel while I am trying to give directions to my house.

Boys here have dominated the arts of persuasion and manipulation. Sometimes I find myself clearly stating what I do or don't want and then I find a boy trying to tell me that, "no, it's not like that, because blah blah blah." Or sometimes what happens is that they agree with me and tell me I'm right or what I think is just fine. But in the end it's just bullshit to gain my trust and then do something completely different or contradictory to what I said or asked for in the beginning.

You know, I know all this nonsense happens in the United States all the time too, but I have just experienced it so much more here in 8 months and have felt a greater lack of respect here than I have ever felt in my whole life in the US.

It is such a strange thing to experience, especially since sometimes these boys are your friends or they really do care about you. It's just there's another kind of darker side to the dynamic that always seems to show itself in my relationships here. And a lot of times it is really subtle but then you get to a certain point you think, "Why the hell did he not listen to me? And what the hell am I doing here right now?"